How Strange Our Families Are

Anyone who knows me, knows that I come from a very inclusive family. If you come to more than one of our family functions, you are automatically a member. Being an only child until I was 14, this was pretty cool. My mother especially, adopted strays into our family. I've noticed this more in the last 30 years or so. I know a lot of my family history on both of my parents sides, as well as my steps. I even know a fair bit of my first husbands family history.

However Wayne comes from a very different family. Being my best friend's brother, I knew his mother and father, Ruth and her family and one niece. Wayne has a very limited family history. His parents met during the second world war. His father was married when he met Wayne's mother. Harry had 3 children with his first wife, Phyllis, Kenny & Cathy. He divorced his wife and married Edith, Wayne and Ruth's mother. Wayne's mom had almost no family history that we know of. Her parents divorced and her mother died when Edith was in her late teens. We know she came from Peterborough and have tried to trace her life there, with little success. Harry was born in Blackpool, England and as a young boy was brought to Canada by his mother along with his brother Roy and sister Peg. When Grandmother Croley arrived here she changed their last name. We think it was originally Sams, Sims or something like that. We have no idea why this happened or where the name Croley came from.

Ruth was born in 1953, Wayne was born in 1958. Wayne has memories of his Aunt Peg, but after she passed away, there was virtually no contact with her husband or children. Uncle Roy was not a favorite of Wayne's. Apparently he had a bit of control over Wayne's dad, but not always in his best interests. Wayne has no memories of his grandmother.

There was some contact with Harry's two oldest children, Phyllis and Kenny, but almost none with Cathy. Wayne was born an uncle, his father being 10 years or more older than his mother and Wayne being a change of life baby. I tease him often, and tell him that he might as well have been raised by grandparents with a mother who was 45(?) and a father of 55(?) when he was born.

Family history, that in my family was a familiar and comfortable topic of conversation, was never mentioned in the Croley household. Wayne did not know his parents had another son, Donny, until Wayne was 19. Born blind, Donny was put into care before Wayne was born. He was never mentioned. Wayne was 17 when his father went into Sunnybrook Hospital, and 21 when his father passed on. I had met Wayne's father on a number of occasions and he was a very reticent person. I knew Edith, Wayne's mom, a lot better. She was a wonderful woman who loved her family with all her heart. In 1980 she suffered from a major stroke. At the time both Wayne and his mom were living with his sister Ruth and her family. She stayed with them until she finally had to go into a nursing home, where she passed away in 1984. Wayne lost both of his parents by the time he was 25.

Over the years we have spent less and less time with Wayne's sister Ruth and her family. Although Ruth's children and mine grew up together and she had been my best friend for years, we have drifted apart. We live in the same city, yet seldom even call, let alone get together.

Wayne's half brother, Kenny, passed on 2 years ago. We got the call that he only had a few days left and Wayne was fortunate enough to get a chance to see him before he died. At the funeral there were the usual promises to get together more often and to stay in touch. As often happens, these promises were quickly forgotten.

Tuesday evening we got another phone call, this time from Wayne's nephew Jeramie. Phyllis had only a few days left to live. The oldest of the siblings, she is an Alzheimers victim who lives with her daughter Pat in Waterford. We haven't seen her since Kenny's funeral.

Although there is little familial closeness there, she is Wayne's sister. I'm hoping that we can get to see her over the next few days, while we still can.

They say that still waters run deep. That describes Wayne to a tee. He might be a quiet person who doesn't always say what is on his mind, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't feel. He has been even more quiet that usual the last 2 days. Knowing him as I do, I know he is visiting his regrets. We all have them, some of us more than others. It pains me to see him this way. He knows he can't change the past. He wants to change the future. He also knows that wanting and doing are two very different things.

I think that most of us take our families for granted. I know that I do. I love my parents, aunts, uncles, cousins and especially my children and grandchildren. I have been very lucky. I lost my last grandparent when I was 32. My children have 4 grandparents still living, and my oldest daughter will be 36 this month. I was 12 when my last great-grandparent died. My grandchildren still have 4 great-grandparents and my oldest biological grandchild is 13. My mother turns 82 on April 19th and my father turns 80 on May 14th. I am 52. My mother's father passed away when she was 32 and her mother when mom was 44. My dad was 49 when he lost his father and 60 when his mother died. I still have most of my aunts and uncles. My grandson Aidan, who is almost 7, thinks that Nanny Cookie, my mom, is soooo old. My mom and step-father see a lot of my children and grandchildren and make sure that there are always presents at Christmas, Easter and birthdays. This Sunday, Easter, there will be a full house of 4 generations of my family here to celebrate the risen Lord, along with much chocolate.

Please do me a favor. Share as much of your family history as you can with your children and grandchildren. Sharing with nieces and nephews won't hurt either. Try to keep your family alive for the future generations. Tell them the stories that you heard when you were young. Laugh at the stories of what your parents and grandparents did and God willing, someday in the future your descendents will laugh at stories about you. Trust me, you don't want to have the regrets that Wayne does.

With Love and Optimism

Always

Anne