Well, like always, it's been a long time since I've posted. I'm proud of my blog & I wish I spent more time on it.
Last weekend Wayne & I were at Krystal and Troy's in St Thomas for a performance of the Tartan Terrors. Thanks to K & T for the best birthday present I've had in a long time, tickets for the show and by getting there extra early, seats in the Flash Zone. Okay, so seats in the Flash Zone when the show is in a church is just a little different, but I still appreciated them. Aub & Leandra and my sis Gail were there as well and Krystal & Troy were good enough to put us all up for the night. Considering that aside from Wayne & Troy, we don't know what it means to go to bed at a reasonable time, poor Yoshi, who was on babysitting detail, got a taste of his insane Aunt's, Uncle & Gramma.
The reason I mentioned last weekend, was that I logged onto my blog so my son Aub could get a taste of his mother's poor attempts at writing. He was impressed, but probably would have got more out of it if he was sober. I don't really care, I write for me and if anyone has the time to browse this endeavor of mine I thank them for their patience. I just wish I got more comments, 'cause maybe that would encourage me to write more.
So, "How do you say goodbye?" That might seem like a rather obtuse title for a blog, but I have my reasons.
For anyone who knows me or who has read some of my past posts, you will know that I am a child of divorce. Now today that is pretty common, but back when I was 13, 40 years ago in 1968, it wasn't quite so normal.
My parents married in 1946 after only knowing each other for 3 months. Back then marriage came before sex, for the most part anyway. Maybe if they had bedded each other first, they never would have married. Needless to say, after 21 years, 3 months and 18 days, my parents separated. My dad had been seeing Kay, the other woman, for a few years at that point. Her husband 'found out' and dad & Kay decided that the time had come to make the big move.
I don't hold grudges. My mother still talks about when dad left "us". Not her, but me too. I was an innocent bystander in all of this. Yes dad left mom, and knowing her like I do now, I can't say as I blame him. And do you know what? They both did better without each other! Dad left me, but only as collateral damage. If I had said "Dad, I want to go and live with you." he would have taken me in a minute and so would have Kay. I would have been a completely different person. I wouldn't have been pregnant and married at 15. I wouldn't have had 5 kids by the time I was 23 and I probably wouldn't have 12 grandkids now. So who's to say my life would have been better. My life is what I've made it and for the most part I love it.
So back to "How do you say goodbye?". Actually, I'm pretty good at this. I left home at 15 and got married. I forced my first husband to leave after some pretty nasty physical fights. I've experienced my children leaving home, returning and leaving again. Wayne thinks maybe we need a revolving door or else stop giving them keys! I've left jobs and moved to different parts of Hamilton more times than I can count. So what's so hard about saying goodbye?
There's all different kinds of goodbyes. There's the one that's said when you know you'll see or talk to someone soon, often the next day. There's the kind that I said to Krystal & Troy and their kids when they lived in Manitoba and we would go for a visit and I knew it would be a year or more until I saw them again. There's the goodbye that you say everyday to just about anybody that doesn't really mean squat. Then there's the last goodbye. The one that no one want's to think about. Saying goodbye to someone you really love for the last time. Finis. All done and no take backs. The last goodbye.
Just after Christmas, Kay had to rush dad to the hospital 'cause he couldn't breathe. They did x-rays and diagnosed pneumonia, but also booked an appointment with the Cancer Clinic. Now the pneumonia wasn't such a big shock. I had it the start of December and we had a Christmas Pot Luck on December 15th with everyone here, so dad could have caught it from me, even though I was supposed to be all better by then. So I got the call from Kay about dad being sick and having to go for cancer tests and I worried a little bit and put it aside. After the first round of tests that came back inconclusive, we all let our guard down. Dad & Kay rebooked their trip to Cuba that had been cancelled due to his health. The doctor's report appeared to be negative and we kind of laughed at the circumstances. Dad couldn't possibly have cancer. He was active and no where near old enough to be sick.
A week and a half ago the other shoe dropped. Dad had to go for a biopsy. This past Monday I got a call saying that the results were in. Cancer of the Lung. Okay, dad is strong and healthy. He's more than willing to have a lung or part of one removed. He'll do radiation, but really doesn't want to do chemo because of the side effects. Dad and Kay came over on Tuesday evening so I could print some pictures of their euchre team off for them. We talked a little about the cancer thing, but it was pretty positive.
When I came home from work on Thursday there was a message from dad to call him right away. I think I knew even before I placed the call. The cancer is inoperable. The doctor's are giving him a year. He's going to try chemo even though he know's it won't make the cancer go away. It might just give him a little more time. He know's that there are 2 of his grandkids getting married in the next year. Laurel gets married this September and Aub gets married next May. He has greatgrandchild number 13 due this October. So suffice it to say that dad still has unfinished business to take care of. So do I.
For the last 40 years, my mother has taken great delight in reminding me that my father hasn't done enough for me. After all she was the one who was always there with a care package when we needed it. She was the one who made sure that the kids had any clothes that they needed. She was the one that was always there with a hand out if I was strapped for cash. Now don't get me wrong, I greatly appreciate what she has done for me and mine. If I added up all that I owe her, I would probably have to give her all of my pays for a year to get caught up. But she's wrong.
My dad has been there for me. He was the one who did repairs on our house on East Bend, back in the Art days, that caused him to slice his hand open and have to take time off work. He was the one who dragged my back from Toronto when I couldn't handle my life anymore (3 kids under 4 with a drunk for a husband). He was the one who drove me to the hospital when Shawn was being born. He was the one who took me, Art and all 5 kids to Florida in 1983 as our Christmas gift. He was the one I called when Art beat the shit out of me and I had to go to the hospital. He was the one who helped Wayne and I move 2 households of furniture in a cube van. He was the one who offered me part time bartending work at the hall whenever there were rentals. And he was the one who hired me to bartend evenings at Club 107 after Wayne & I had bought our house and I stood the chance of getting laid off from my fulltime job. I worked for dad for a year and a half bartending and I never did get laid off from Capo. And the thing that dad did the best. He let me live my own life!!! I didn't have dad and Kay over for Christmas, birthdays, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Easter and Thanksgiving. They spent those holidays alone or with Stan and Marnie or maybe Mel and Teresa. While mom alternated between living her life and trying to run mine, my dad stood back. He let me be me.
I wish I could go back 40 years and change things, but I can't. I'm 53 years old and I'm still Daddy's Little Girl. I know in the next year I will have to be strong. I've always been the strong one. Wayne is wonderful. He keeps telling me to let my guard down. My answer to this is that I have built up a big, strong wall around myself to keep from getting hurt and even though I know I have to let it crumble a little, I'm still not ready to be hurt.
My goal for tonight has been to stay up and drink and think and hopefully cry. Well so far I've stayed up late, drank and thought but I still haven't been able to cry. Maybe you'll cry a few tears for me. I'ld like that. Even if you don't shed a few tears, think about me, and if you know how to say goodbye, please let me know.
Anne
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Egads It's March!!!!
Okay, so it's March already and my last post was in January, what else is new?
Well around here, not a hell of a lot. Sorry for the rather harsh words, but this winter has been a bit much. Am I overstepping to say that I am totally sick of snow and cold? I didn't think so, but you never know.
Anyway, here it is another snowy weekend. I was hoping to get a bit of shopping, etc done for Laurel's wedding, but that depends on tomorrows snow fall.
I am not surviving this winter well. I know that I mentioned earlier that Wayne threw his back out way back in October, well guess who is still off work? Yah, you got it. Wayne is still off and his back is not getting any better, if anything it's getting worse.
I've been the strong one since I was 13 and my parents split up. I'm tired. I don't want to be the strong one anymore, but if I don't, who will take over for me?
I've lived on minimal funds for most of my life. I do it well. That doesn't mean that I want to keep on doing it. I would love to be looked after for once.
At 53 years of age, I want the good things of life. You know, retirement, being looked after (because you're soooo old), Not trying to figure out how to pay the bills, put food on the table, be upbeat and be both the best employee going as well as Super Wife & Mother.
Wayne and I had a good long talk/visit tonight. Considering that I have had more than my share of Rye and coke since I got home from word, that is a major accomplishment.
It mostly boiled down to faith. How things happen for a reason, even if we don't know what the reason is.
So, guess what? I need somebody to make me feel better. You know, more in charge. Womebody who will make me feel better. Someone who will be in charge of me. Soon would be good.
Anne to some,
Mom to others
Well around here, not a hell of a lot. Sorry for the rather harsh words, but this winter has been a bit much. Am I overstepping to say that I am totally sick of snow and cold? I didn't think so, but you never know.
Anyway, here it is another snowy weekend. I was hoping to get a bit of shopping, etc done for Laurel's wedding, but that depends on tomorrows snow fall.
I am not surviving this winter well. I know that I mentioned earlier that Wayne threw his back out way back in October, well guess who is still off work? Yah, you got it. Wayne is still off and his back is not getting any better, if anything it's getting worse.
I've been the strong one since I was 13 and my parents split up. I'm tired. I don't want to be the strong one anymore, but if I don't, who will take over for me?
I've lived on minimal funds for most of my life. I do it well. That doesn't mean that I want to keep on doing it. I would love to be looked after for once.
At 53 years of age, I want the good things of life. You know, retirement, being looked after (because you're soooo old), Not trying to figure out how to pay the bills, put food on the table, be upbeat and be both the best employee going as well as Super Wife & Mother.
Wayne and I had a good long talk/visit tonight. Considering that I have had more than my share of Rye and coke since I got home from word, that is a major accomplishment.
It mostly boiled down to faith. How things happen for a reason, even if we don't know what the reason is.
So, guess what? I need somebody to make me feel better. You know, more in charge. Womebody who will make me feel better. Someone who will be in charge of me. Soon would be good.
Anne to some,
Mom to others
Saturday, January 19, 2008
On Old Friends>>>
As I know most of you are, I too am a Facebook member.
I thought the idea of a blog was pretty cool and then I heard all about Facebook. Now, I'm not as young and cool as some of you, but I thought that I too needed to expose myself to the world in another way.
Now don't get me wrong, I think Facebook is a really neat idea, but it's just another way of getting stupid messages that you have to pass on to your very favorite 30 best friends in the next 5 minutes or the world as you know it will come to an end.
Sure it's neat getting all of those drinks passed on to you and having an aquarium or garden that your friends can add things too, but it isn't really all it's cracked up to be.
Yes I like getting posts on my Wall from my friends and family. Yes, it's nice to be able to keep in touch with people that you don't get to see very often, like my friend Martin. One of the best aspects of Facebook is being able to see and share pictures of friends that you might never get to see in other ways. But I was really starting to get the feeling that I was missing out on something somehow? That all changed on January 15th.
I always check my emails before I go to work in the morning, as soon as I get home from work and again before I go to bed. On this past Tuesday there was a message from Facebook from a person who thought they might know me from way back when.
Now I've got messages from people who thought they might know me before, but most times it's from someone that I've never heard of before. This time was different.
Here's what I saw:
Hi Anne Marie I hope it's you. I was just going through all the Scott Park people and caught your name. Hope you can remember way back to us being buddies and sleep overs at your house on Barnesdale. We boiled your Zebra fish in the bathtub cause we didn't check the water temp! Your Dad was an HSR driver. I've often wondered about you and how you were. Barb
Way back in 1964 I started a new school in grade 4. Barbara W was in my class and lived just over a block away from me. We became good friends and the last I remember seeing her was in 1970. I've thought about her many times in the last 38 years, but never knew how to get in touch with her.
In the last few days we have exchanged posts about our lives, marriages, families and old memories. Now I know what Facebook is all about!
I know from my daughters that Facebook has been a great way to find and get in touch with old friends. Okay for you under 30's and even under 40's it's been wonderful.
I know from my grandkids that it's a great way to pass on 'stuff' to all your bff's as well as being a way to stay under mom's radar!
But for us, dare I say it, over 50's, it's not all it's cracked up to be! When you check on your high school and have to scroll back almost 35 years to your graduating class, it's just a little discouraging. Then when you go to your graduating year you find all of 11 people doesn't it make your wonder, where did we all go? I think most of us are still alive. We must be, because who else would be supporting all of these 30 somethings that are still living at home? When do we more mature Kids get to play and have fun if we can't find our friends?
Dare I say it. Maybe we over 50's should band together and create a "Wrinkled Facebook".
I think it just might work. At least we wouldn't feel so left out. And just maybe we could find different things to exchange on Facebook. You know, Who has the best over 50's discounts; What movies will make some sense to me and Have you heard what will be a good retirement home within the next 10 years.
Okay so all joking aside. I would really like to connect with more of my old friends from school and old neighbors and maybe even some long lost cousins that I don't even remember that I have. So one of the things that I'm going to do is post my blogsite on my Facebook page and maybe that will help me to reach others. And if not, how do I go about setting up "Wrinkled Facebook"?
Anne
I thought the idea of a blog was pretty cool and then I heard all about Facebook. Now, I'm not as young and cool as some of you, but I thought that I too needed to expose myself to the world in another way.
Now don't get me wrong, I think Facebook is a really neat idea, but it's just another way of getting stupid messages that you have to pass on to your very favorite 30 best friends in the next 5 minutes or the world as you know it will come to an end.
Sure it's neat getting all of those drinks passed on to you and having an aquarium or garden that your friends can add things too, but it isn't really all it's cracked up to be.
Yes I like getting posts on my Wall from my friends and family. Yes, it's nice to be able to keep in touch with people that you don't get to see very often, like my friend Martin. One of the best aspects of Facebook is being able to see and share pictures of friends that you might never get to see in other ways. But I was really starting to get the feeling that I was missing out on something somehow? That all changed on January 15th.
I always check my emails before I go to work in the morning, as soon as I get home from work and again before I go to bed. On this past Tuesday there was a message from Facebook from a person who thought they might know me from way back when.
Now I've got messages from people who thought they might know me before, but most times it's from someone that I've never heard of before. This time was different.
Here's what I saw:
Hi Anne Marie I hope it's you. I was just going through all the Scott Park people and caught your name. Hope you can remember way back to us being buddies and sleep overs at your house on Barnesdale. We boiled your Zebra fish in the bathtub cause we didn't check the water temp! Your Dad was an HSR driver. I've often wondered about you and how you were. Barb
Way back in 1964 I started a new school in grade 4. Barbara W was in my class and lived just over a block away from me. We became good friends and the last I remember seeing her was in 1970. I've thought about her many times in the last 38 years, but never knew how to get in touch with her.
In the last few days we have exchanged posts about our lives, marriages, families and old memories. Now I know what Facebook is all about!
I know from my daughters that Facebook has been a great way to find and get in touch with old friends. Okay for you under 30's and even under 40's it's been wonderful.
I know from my grandkids that it's a great way to pass on 'stuff' to all your bff's as well as being a way to stay under mom's radar!
But for us, dare I say it, over 50's, it's not all it's cracked up to be! When you check on your high school and have to scroll back almost 35 years to your graduating class, it's just a little discouraging. Then when you go to your graduating year you find all of 11 people doesn't it make your wonder, where did we all go? I think most of us are still alive. We must be, because who else would be supporting all of these 30 somethings that are still living at home? When do we more mature Kids get to play and have fun if we can't find our friends?
Dare I say it. Maybe we over 50's should band together and create a "Wrinkled Facebook".
I think it just might work. At least we wouldn't feel so left out. And just maybe we could find different things to exchange on Facebook. You know, Who has the best over 50's discounts; What movies will make some sense to me and Have you heard what will be a good retirement home within the next 10 years.
Okay so all joking aside. I would really like to connect with more of my old friends from school and old neighbors and maybe even some long lost cousins that I don't even remember that I have. So one of the things that I'm going to do is post my blogsite on my Facebook page and maybe that will help me to reach others. And if not, how do I go about setting up "Wrinkled Facebook"?
Anne
Getting Caught Up...
Well here it is, January 19th and I'm just getting around to wishing all of you a Happy New Year!!!
Yah, I'm a little bit late. So what else is new? Those of you who know me, know that I am never on time for anything. Four out of five of my children were even born late. I'm always pushing the envelope to try and get caught up, let alone get ahead!
It seems like just a few days ago that I was posting for Christmas. Okay so that was December 26th which was 24 days ago. Although the tree is down, there are still a few Christmas ornaments lingering around here that have yet to be put away.
Kind of like the laundry that was all caught up by New Years and is still waiting to be put away. I figure if I wait another week or two, it will all have been worn and need to be washed again anyway.
Maybe in another space time continueum(?) I am a person who is always prepared, has everything done before it is necessary and other boring things like that. However in this time and place I am always racing to catch up and I think I like it that way!
Even if I know in advance that I am going to have company, or at work know that I have a deadline, I save things to the last minute. Lets face it, I like to work under pressure. Why do today what I can put off until tomorrow. Multitasking is my middle name. Actually Marie is my middle name, but at least the initial is right.
So better late than never, right? Happy New Years to all of you.
Anne
Yah, I'm a little bit late. So what else is new? Those of you who know me, know that I am never on time for anything. Four out of five of my children were even born late. I'm always pushing the envelope to try and get caught up, let alone get ahead!
It seems like just a few days ago that I was posting for Christmas. Okay so that was December 26th which was 24 days ago. Although the tree is down, there are still a few Christmas ornaments lingering around here that have yet to be put away.
Kind of like the laundry that was all caught up by New Years and is still waiting to be put away. I figure if I wait another week or two, it will all have been worn and need to be washed again anyway.
Maybe in another space time continueum(?) I am a person who is always prepared, has everything done before it is necessary and other boring things like that. However in this time and place I am always racing to catch up and I think I like it that way!
Even if I know in advance that I am going to have company, or at work know that I have a deadline, I save things to the last minute. Lets face it, I like to work under pressure. Why do today what I can put off until tomorrow. Multitasking is my middle name. Actually Marie is my middle name, but at least the initial is right.
So better late than never, right? Happy New Years to all of you.
Anne
On being a Mom...
Men are the lucky ones in some ways. They get to be dads. Even if they are the disciplinarians, even if they help out with babies, toddlers, housework, cooking and dishes. Even if they love us through morning sickness, stretch marks, cravings, labour and delivery and post partum depression. Try as they might, they will never be MOM! We get all the worst crap of being a parent and all of the best parts too.
Daddy might be there for a boo-boo, but only mommy can kiss it all better. Dad might be there to impart manly wisdom to his sons or be his daughter’s champion, but mom will always be there to listen and give the appropriate hug, kiss or heck, whichever is needed at the time.
When boys are little, Dad seems to be the most important person in their lives. The person they look up to and want to be like. But when they are all grown up, they are still Mommy’s boys. They care about you and will do anything they can for you. They don’t have to impress you with their accomplishments, they just have to give you a big hug and a kiss and ask if you could make them their favourite meal.
The daughter that you fought with over clothes, hair, makeup, keeping her room clean and household chores always went to Daddy for those special hugs and kisses. However, when she is all grown up, it’s you Mom who will go shopping for wedding gowns with her, as I did last weekend. You who will hold her hand when she’s pregnant and scared. You, who will impart all of your wisdom on being a mom, just like you learned from yours.
Well that’s my interpretation on parenthood for tonight.
Daddy might be there for a boo-boo, but only mommy can kiss it all better. Dad might be there to impart manly wisdom to his sons or be his daughter’s champion, but mom will always be there to listen and give the appropriate hug, kiss or heck, whichever is needed at the time.
When boys are little, Dad seems to be the most important person in their lives. The person they look up to and want to be like. But when they are all grown up, they are still Mommy’s boys. They care about you and will do anything they can for you. They don’t have to impress you with their accomplishments, they just have to give you a big hug and a kiss and ask if you could make them their favourite meal.
The daughter that you fought with over clothes, hair, makeup, keeping her room clean and household chores always went to Daddy for those special hugs and kisses. However, when she is all grown up, it’s you Mom who will go shopping for wedding gowns with her, as I did last weekend. You who will hold her hand when she’s pregnant and scared. You, who will impart all of your wisdom on being a mom, just like you learned from yours.
Well that’s my interpretation on parenthood for tonight.
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